British police narrowboat

In a bustling city like Leeds, the police have to deal with all sorts of scallywags and ne'er-do-wells. But for a very specific type of criminal—the one who makes their getaway on a stolen barge at a blistering 4mph—a new brand of justice has arrived, and it’s gloriously, wonderfully slow. Behold, the police narrowboat. Kitted out with more flashing blue lights than a city centre on a Friday night, and a siren presumably for startling herons, this vessel is the force's answer to crime on the cut. One can only imagine the terror it strikes into the hearts of those who fish without a licence or feed stale bread to the swans.

Officers were reportedly on patrol this weekend, tackling a wave of uniquely aquatic offences. "We're cracking down on anti-social mooring, speeding in a 4mph zone, and arguments over who gets through the lock first," one officer might have said, while proudly flying a Union Jack at the stern. "Yesterday we had to deal with a heated dispute over a stolen windlass. It got quite tense." The public has welcomed the new patrol boat with the gentle bewilderment it deserves. "It's brilliant," said a local watching from their balcony. "Makes you feel safe, I suppose. Not sure who they're chasing, unless it's a particularly rebellious pike, but it's nice to see them out and about."

So let this be a warning to all you canal-based criminals out there. Justice is coming. It's just coming at a very, very leisurely pace, with plenty of time for a nice cup of tea on the way.